Gay Girl Revolution

Personal blog, with a focus on youth, supporting equality. Written by Robyn Harper (Dublin, Ireland). www.facebook.com/GayGirlRevolution | @RobynHarperGGR

Dear 15 Year Old Me. I’m writing to tell you: It Got Better

A  letter of comfort written by Robyn Harper to her 15 year old self.

Dear 15 Year Old Me. I’m writing to tell you: It Got Better

Yesterday was a tough day for you. That time you spent in the bathroom will forever remain in your memory.

You made your admission, to yourself. It was in your head before, but yesterday felt like your first real recognition of it. You held on to that sink so tightly as you leaned over it. You faced yourself in the mirror that hung above it. The sink held you up as your knees weakened. Your grip got tighter, your stare more intense. You felt like you were looking into your heart, your soul. You stared for what like felt like hours but was only seconds. You hardly blinked. Then the tears came. “I am gay.” You sobbed aloud. Your posture slumped as you heard those words over and over in your head. “What are you going to do?” you asked yourself. The sink caught your tears. You weren’t expecting an answer.

Panic set in. It overwhelmed you. It was a feeling of loss. All the things you thought you would never have raced through your head; the wedding, the spouse, the family, the children, the home. You thought you would never have the life that you could see everyone else living. You were different and you acknowledged it yesterday. How were you going to carry this secret forever? How were you going live a lie? You felt so alone. This would never be a part of you. You thought you couldn’t do it. Why you?

You will look back in time. You will wonder, were you talking to yourself in that mirror, or was your ego talking to you. You know that part of you that wants to fit in with society and feels safe when it thinks you’re just like everyone else?

It all makes sense to you now. The haircuts, the soccer, the hanging with the boys, the anxiety around girls, the aversion to dresses, the dislike of dolls, the love of He-Man, that particular teacher, that obsession with Madonna, those scrapes on your knees, no interest in make-up, no dreams of your wedding.

I know you acknowledged it over the sink yesterday, but you haven’t accepted it yet. That will come later. But you will accept it. You’ll even embrace it. You may not believe that right now, but it’s all ahead of you. You’ll fall in love. I know you’ll smile when I tell you she’s beautiful. You’ll fall in love a couple of times in fact. Each love will add to your life and help you learn things you never would have without their contribution. Be grateful for them and be grateful towards them.

You will make many gay friends. Some of them become your best friends. I know you don’t know any gay people right now and that’s scary but don’t you worry, they come in abundance. You never lose your Libra love of the social life. Your twenties are colored by fun.

I know you wish you weren’t gay. I know you wish it wasn’t happening to you. I know you feel hard done by. You learn in time that you don’t really feel like that at all. Believe me when I tell you that you ultimately embrace who you are. You’ll come to feel so proud and so strongly about it that it will pain you to hear of others going through what you went through and how you felt. You will make it part of your life’s work to help others accept and embrace every part of them. You come to see the good in it. You even make it your own.

I have to ask you something now. I need you to be brave. Look nowhere for strength but inside your heart. The strength is already there. You just need to look for it. When you find it, you’ll come out to your family and friends. You’re lucky. They already knew. Nothing changes, except how you feel about yourself. It’s a weight lifted, a sense of freedom. Life no longer feels like a lie. You feel free. It’s the last piece of the jigsaw. You’re now complete. You’ll feel it.

In return, my promise to you is that; it does get better. My dear Robyn, it got better. You’re now twenty-nine. You’re now very happy. You never looked back. And you wouldn’t change a thing.

Just remember. You are unique, there’s only one of you. If you ever worry that you are different – just think how boring it would be if we were all the same! You will take pride in expressing your individuality. You’ll march in parades. You will fly the flag of pride. You’ll witness States and Countries around the world embrace change and embrace equality. You’ll do your bit. You’ll be part of it. You may even marry and start a family some day. They are your choices. You lost nothing.

I hope you believe me. You just wait and see.

Yours truly,

 

“Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.” ― Guillaume Apollinaire


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35 Responses

  1. Lone Valkyrie says:

    Sometimes I think an alternate, stronger, smarter version of myself would have written that letter. Good for her, y’know? Kudos, Robyn. Kudos for standing by what you believed all those years…

  2. WOW – great post. I’d nearly vote for you myself, if I wasn’t up against you! I’m not gay, I’m straight forward married josephine soap, but that is an EXCELLENT post, and I really hope this letter is read by other kids in the position of your 15-yr old self.

  3. Tanja Azu says:

    That’s my 13 year old self :D worth taking a momdnt to read it cause it’s true :)

  4. Nakita Lane says:

    wow this is incredible and you have alot of courage!! good one for being who you are and i believe this will help alot of people!!!!

  5. Dace says:

    I wish It would be possible to send a letter to myself, let’s say, 20 years ago as it would have made such a huge difference in my life. Being lost, scared and all by myself behind the iron curtain was not easy. I probably would have less grey hair today..ha..ha…

    Nice post..thank you

  6. Nat says:

    Good one!
    Embrace who you are! =)
    Voted!

  7. I love this! I believe many will be moved by this!!I know I am!

  8. Tara Kym says:

    made me cry! If only it were possible to really advise our younger selves..but then, where would be the pride in learning to be strong in order to cope? Where would all that feel good sense of self emerge if we knew the outcomes? WEll done Robyn! =)

  9. Vicki L. says:

    Love it. So true. I remember feeling very much like this about 36 years ago. Brought back memories of my younger self. :)

  10. Adrianna says:

    this is effin amazing =]

  11. [...] month you stopped by for a visit. I asked you to read a letter I had written to my younger self. You weren’t long into it when you looked at me and giggled. I presumed it was over a line I [...]

  12. Roser says:

    Thank you! You made me travel to my own mirror-moment…all the feelings I had then have been beautifully shaken 35 years after… Don’t fight against who you are, fight to be yourself!!

  13. hettybobcat says:

    I wish I had gotten to read this kind of stuff when I was 15. I think it would have made life so much easier and maybe I would have made some different choices in my life after that. Ah well… Hind sight is 20/20. All one can do is move forward from today.

  14. Chris says:

    This made me cry, thank for sharing. I was that 15 year old kid struggling with their sexuality. Again thank u so much for sharing such a beautiful letter. X

  15. Shannon says:

    God bless you, Robyn…such a beautiful soul…I hope everyone struggling can read this and know that IT DOES GET BETTER!

  16. Glynn says:

    Just remember. You are unique, there’s only one of you. If you ever worry that you are different – just think how boring it would be if we were all the same! You will take pride in expressing your individuality. You’ll march in parades. You will fly the flag of pride. You’ll witness States and Countries around the world embrace change and embrace equality. You’ll do your bit. You’ll be part of it. You may even marry and start a family some day. They are your choices. You lost nothing.

  17. Christopher says:

    Everyone should read this.

    “Panic set in. It overwhelmed you. It was a feeling of loss.”

    I remember that exact moment of acknowledgement/acceptance; that feeling of loss. Looking back now, I can’t believe I ever thought that being gay was a bad thing or that I would lose so much. If anything I’ve gained more from it than I could have ever imagined.

  18. Martina says:

    May the right people read this,very nice written ♥

  19. Patricia says:

    Incredible! I hope that someone that age sees this and opens up about their identity.

  20. Skye says:

    I dont comment often. But this was perfect. And it really does not matter what made you different when you looked in that mirror at 15. Time passes and we learn it is our differences that teach us strength, but our loving hearts are exactly the same.

  21. Orgone says:

    Its lovely and a privelege to read about such a deep personal healing process – thank you.

  22. Sarah says:

    I feel like this was written for me, thank you so much for sharing

  23. Laura says:

    Brought tears to my eyes – wish everyone could read it and understand – everyone has feelings, humans are all the same – it shouldn’t matter who you choose to love – everyone should have the freedom to be themselves

  24. Amrita says:

    Beautiful letter; this is an excellent example of how there is no time. in moments of difficulty i often open to my ‘future self’, the one i will become after i go thru whatever it is, and she is there for me. and i am more and more there for the one(s) i have been. this letter is wonderfully authentic.

  25. Misty says:

    This is BEAUTIFUL im covered in chills I love it, bless her heart for thinking so highly of herself. What a powerful message.

  26. James says:

    I can relate to every word, got tears in my eyes just reading it ….if only I could go back and tell myself this.

  27. Marzell says:

    Beyond beautiful!

  28. Kymy says:

    Wow…. So beautiful and touching…. You felt her pain.. and her joy!!!!

  29. Julie MC says:

    I write this as I fight back tears. My daughter came out just a few months ago. We have chatted here and there about it with each conversation ending in me telling her I love her no matter what, but this puts a whole new light on how alone she must have felt. I am stunned. I am overwhelmed with a great sadness that she had to face this alone. As long as I have a breath left in my body, she will NEVER feel that alone again. Thank you for sharing this. Even tho it was hard to read, it reaffirms my belief that I have raised a super strong young woman and I am the proudest mother on Earth. Thank you from every piece of my heart.

  30. Maryann C says:

    Very powerful. I think its pretty safe to say we all felt that way at one time. I’m lucky enough to have a great mom with an open mind & an understanding nature, i could always talk to her about anything.

    I am so very grateful that our gltbq youth have pages like yours all the others to express themselves openly & freely without the fear of being judged because IT DOES GET BETTER! So thank you Robyn for opening up to help our kids.

  31. Nirmala FJ says:

    Omg!! Thts awesome.. I am a lesbian & earlier it ws d same wit me.. I use to b disturbd wit dis content.. Bt d day i accptd it I ws like cmon.. Being a les isnt a sin.. Love is love.. Love sees no gender.. My famly doesnt knws bout it bt I do hv two eldr sisters and they do knw bout it… And I love d way it feels to b a lesbian.. :)

  32. Desiree says:

    Very empowering..true story; can totally relate!

  33. Jenna K says:

    exactly how i felt

  34. Shannan VC says:

    its crazy that is exactly how i felt

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